*Conditions Apply

* this post is not by me... so i m not responsible if u dont like it... but, in case u do, u know whom to thank....

We live in a world where advertising rears its head from every nook and corner.

It entertains us on television, accompanies us on our car radio, entices us in print, plays peek-a-boo from outdoor sites all over the city. Yet, in this mega jamboree of colourful visuals and trying-hard-to-be-interesting headlines, there is something we always tend to miss. The fine print.

Look around you and you will find the ubiquitous fine print everywhere. If there’s an advertising message, you can bet your last bag of chips that there will be a mandatory inclusion, a statutory warning or some other form of legalese accompanying it. And you know what? Sometimes, the fine print makes for a more interesting read than the ad itself.

Why leave anything to chance?
Now we are all used to the mother of all mandatory lines, ‘Conditions Apply’, which in itself is a shortened version of ‘Terms and Conditions Apply’. There is something all-encompassing about it. ‘Conditions Apply’ has the universality to cover every possible situation (read consumer lawsuits) in which the proposed promotion may result. It soothes every doubt in the client’s, the consumer’s and her lawyer’s mind. It nullifies every ambiguous claim that the product might promise, but on which it fails to deliver.

This phrase has been de rigueur in every promotional ad in print and television since some smart chap in USA filed a lawsuit demanding his free car with the chaddis he bought. The underwear company had promised in its ad that one could win a car with any pair of chaddis (a scratch-n-win offer from an undie maker?). Needless to say, this incident happened before the advent of the ‘Conditions Apply’ phrase. Well, the chap won the lawsuit (consumers in the US unfailingly do) and the car, and the advertising world was blessed with a new mandatory inclusion to be mentioned in 14 point size, asterisk firmly in place.

Speaking of smart chaps, did you hear about the Arab who demanded his share of free cholesterol from the supermarket staff? All because the bottle of sunflower oil he purchased said ‘Cholesterol Free’.

Mutual fund madness
As disclaimer lines go, there is another popular phrase that is competing with ‘Conditions Apply’ for precious ad space. A line that challenges the virtuosity of every voiceover artist in the business and puts the fear of the clock in every ad film producer’s head. You’ve heard it at the end of every mutual fund commercial – that’s if you’ve ever managed to understand it. For the benefit of everyone who has wondered what the fuss is all about, here it is in its unabridged form: “Mutual Fund investments are subject to market risk. Please read the offer document carefully before investing.”

Normally speaking, this line should take about five seconds. But who can spare that kind of time in a 30 second commercial? So, what we normally hear is an express train of words crammed together in as little as two seconds, sometimes less. What?

Fact or fiction?
The trend of including disclaimers is not entirely new or unique to advertising. Ask any movie buff and he will repeat verbatim: “All characters portrayed in this film are fictional. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental.” I swear I have seen this disclaimer appear even at the start of biographies.

Even on television, we increasingly see, “The contents of this programme may be offensive or disturbing for some people. Viewer discretion advised.” With bolder programming on the rise, the day is not far off when this line will come attached as an on-screen sticker with every TV set sold.

www.whateverobjections.com (use ur sense pls. dont click it)
If you’ve ever tried clicking on a tiny button called ‘Disclaimer’ on any Website, you’ll be in for a surprise. In what can only be described as a complete waste of server space, the disclaimers on the Web can run into pages and pages of the most inane (and often hilarious) legal language. These come in many avatars, such as Security & Privacy Policy, Terms of Service, Limitation of Liability and God only knows what else. Sample this extract from a lengthy risk disclaimer on Wikipedia.com, a Web encyclopaedia that millions refer to every day:

“Please be aware that any information you may find in Wikipedia may be inaccurate, misleading, dangerous, misspelled or illegal.”

Disclaimer heaven
Advertising is full of fine print, but then who started the trend? Why, the products themselves. And it’s on the packaging of the products that these mandatory messages become really interesting. Consider these gems:

On cosmetic products:For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, itching or swelling develops, discontinue use and consult a skin specialist.

On medicines:Discontinue product use and consult your doctor if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, or palpitations.

On offer bundled products:This pack is also available without the promotional offer. (Huh, why would I want to buy it without?)

On some frozen dinners:Serving suggestion: Defrost.(Just a suggestion!)

On a Japanese food processor:Not to be used for other purposes.(Now I’m really curious!)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:Warning: Contains nuts.(What? No peas?)

The ultimate disclaimer I have come across is in a warranty manual for an expensive electronic gadget I bought recently. I reproduce here, without exaggeration, the complete text for you to enjoy:

“Warranty does not cover misuse, accident, extraterrestrial impact, lightning, floods, tornadoes, solar flares, tsunami, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, supernovas, hurricanes, other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized use, incorrect line voltage and/or frequency, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, chemical reactions, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom shock waves, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, divine intervention, extraterrestrial intervention, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, explosive decompression, hard vacuum, dropping the item, falling rocks, falling on rocks, falling on anything, caustic chemicals, napalm, leaky roofs, broken glass, magnetic fields, laser or other energy weapons, sub-atomic particle bombardment, emissions of x-rays, microwave, ultraviolet, cosmic, and/or gamma rays, mud slides, forest fires, or projectiles (which may include, but are not limited to, arrows, bombs, artillery shells, missiles, bullets, snowballs, hand grenades, buckshot, flares, shrapnel, liquid-filled balloons, torpedoes, knives, stones, spears, swords, maces, pikes, clubs, etc.). Other restrictions may apply.”

Welcome back. If you’ve had the patience to read thus far, let me leave you with yet another disclaimer, one’s that’s really close to my heart:

‘The views expressed in this article are of the writer’s alone. They do not, however, represent what the writer thinks of ‘I-alone-take-the-credit’ creative directors, unscrupulous agency top management, ‘can’t-recognise-a-good-idea’ middle managers, ‘I-am-ready-to-steal-your-idea’ colleagues, pesky trainees who think they are God, and miscellaneous other personnel in media, accounts and administration whose names you cannot ever remember. Under no circumstances can these views be quoted in a court of law, on the phone, in a pub, at an ad club awards function, at client meetings, at a friend’s place or in a transportation medium of any kind, moving or stationary.

(The writer is creative consultant with Dentsu Marcom) hats off 2 u sir... u rock...